Giving and Receiving Godly Criticism: Sharpening Each Other With Words

«By iron, iron itself is sharpened, and even the appearance of a man is shaped by the appearance of his friend.»​—Prov. 27:17.

Criticism is something most of us try to avoid. We naturally want to avoid difficult conversations where our actions, motives, or service are put under the microscope by another person. At the same time, many of us don’t like to share criticism or remarks because we don’t want to appear judgmental or risk hurting someone’s feelings.

Although it may seem unnatural, I want to suggest that giving and receiving godly criticism is a necessary element of healthy relationships and healthy churches. If we want to help people grow in godliness but we don’t know how to criticize properly and godly, we won’t be helping them much in the end. God uses His people to speak truth to one another in love, and that includes critical truth. If this element is missing from your relationship with your disciples, you are like a pastor without a staff.

What is godly criticism?

The words «criticism» or «critical feedback» are not often found in our English Bibles, but the concept is certainly there. Terms such as rebuke, correction, admonition, warning, and instruction all convey the same idea.

Here is my definition of godly criticism: giving a corrective evaluation of another person and their service to the Lord with the intention of helping them grow in faithfulness before God.

In this article, I will focus on how to give and receive godly criticism in the context of Christian relationships. These may be relationships between husband and wife, friends, church members, or church staff. I also want to emphasize that we are talking about godly criticism. This is important because not all criticism is godly. Some criticism is satanic.

Some people give criticism inspired by the sinful flesh (1 Cor. 3:3), which is devoid of spiritual wisdom (Jas. 3:14-16) and does nothing but harm others (Gal. 5:15). Often this ungodly (unspiritual) criticism is aimed at putting others down and exalting oneself, trying to appear «spiritual» (Luke 18:11-14; Prov. 30:32). This harsh, loveless attack has no constructive grace and does more harm than good.

To help avoid such criticism, I want to share some tips on how to properly give and receive godly criticism.

How to Give Godly Criticism

1. The goal is growth.

The primary purpose of any Christian relationship should be to help each other grow in Christ (Eph. 4:14-15). This means that criticism should be for building up, not tearing down (2 Cor. 13:10). So when you speak, pray and meditate on how your words can provide constructive grace that will help others grow in Christ (Eph. 4:29). Show them how your correction, if applied, can help them better reflect the glory of God (Matt. 5:16).

2. Criticize with humility.

Pride delights in the criticism of others. So if you are happy to give criticism, it may be a sign that pride is ruling your heart. The best way to grow in humility is to spend time thanking God for the way He has graciously corrected you. Remind yourself that the gospel is good news for you personally, and be awed and excited by how gracious God is to you (Eph. 2:1-5). This will help you to remove the plank from your own eye before you help someone else remove the speck (Matt. 7:1-5).

3. Provide criticism along with encouragement.

Criticism should almost always be accompanied by healthy encouragement. This is not a psychological trick to avoid hurt feelings; it is a way to affirm that God is at work in a person, despite their need for further growth. For example, when my team gives me feedback on my leadership or preaching, I need them to show me not only what needs to change but also what I need to continue to do. Pointing out signs of grace along with areas for improvement will make your critical conversation much more helpful.

4. Think before you speak.

Before you speak, think about what you are going to say. (Prov. 29:20) This will help you to weed out the minutiae and get to the heart of what you need to say. Pray and ask yourself, «What is the main problem I need to solve? What do I want the person to remember after our conversation? What really needs to be said, and what can be left out?» This initial preparation will help both you and the person you are meeting.

5. Be clear.

When you give criticism, try to be as specific as possible. Are you talking about a sin problem or a character problem? Is this a big problem or something that could become a big problem? One way to provide more clarity is to use examples. For example, don’t just say, «You’re rude.» Instead, you could say, «I know you have good ideas, but I’ve noticed that you tend to interrupt people when they’re talking. You may not realize it, but it can give the impression that you don’t care what they have to say.» Clearly articulating your criticism will help you get to the heart of the matter.

6. Be gentle (speak with care).

Deliver your words of correction with mildness. Love seeks to convey the truth in a way that is easy to accept. It is a sign of spiritual maturity to gently help people grow and be spiritually healthy (Gal. 6:1). Mildness should not be viewed as weakness but as an inner attitude of heart that God can use to bring others to repentance (2 Tim. 2:24-26). One way to cultivate mildness is to think about how you would want to be spoken to if you were being criticized in the same way (Matt. 7:12). How can you show respect for them while also helping them to grow (Rom. 12:10)? By thinking about how they will hear your words, you can shape them to sound mild.

7. Be patient.

«Love is long-suffering.» (1 Cor. 13:4) Remember that some habits or sins take time to correct, especially if they are deep-seated heart problems. Take a long-term view of your relationship, and ask God to help you remember how long He has been patient with you. (Ex. 34:6) This will help you to remain humble before God and patient with those you are trying to correct.

8. Pray.

Ruth Graham (Billy Graham’s wife) once said of her husband, «My job is to love Billy, and God’s job is to change him.» There is great wisdom in that statement. While we can plant the truth in the heart, only God can make that seed grow (1 Cor. 3:6). This means that if we are not praying for people, we certainly should not try to change them. Only God can change people, so pray to Him for others.

How to Accept Godly Criticism

1. Strive for spiritual growth.

Do you desire to grow in spiritual maturity? Do you desire to become more like Jesus? If so, then you must do everything you can to kill the pride that wants to protect your image. When others criticize us, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves and make excuses.

Brothers and sisters, slay the idol of your heart—sin. Solomon says, «He who loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is scornful» (Prov. 12:1). The reason those who hate reproof are foolish is that there is nothing better than to be corrected for the glory of God. So pray to God to give you the desire to grow in holiness and maturity above all else. Ask Him to help you not be afraid to grow stronger because you are humbled by those who godly criticize you in your life.

2. Remember that sooner or later you will need to be corrected (criticized).

Solomon reminds us: «The way of the stupid one seems right in his own eyes, but the one listening to counsel is wise.» (Prov. 12:15) Do you assume that you need people in your life to criticize and correct you? Do you believe that others can see things in you that you yourself do not? It is unreasonable to assume that even on our best days we do not need critical guidance from others.

3. Don't be offended by criticism.

Charles Spurgeon wisely advised, «If anyone thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks.» The pride in our hearts often flares up when someone speaks reproachful words to us. Pray to God to help you understand and remember that no matter what anyone says to you, it is far less painful than what God has told you in the Gospel.

4. Ask clarifying questions.

When someone gives you criticism, thank them for helping you grow, and then ask questions. Ask for examples to better understand what they mean. Ask them what specific changes you need to make. This will turn the criticism into a constructive conversation, which is the best environment for growth.

5. Assume that there is at least some truth in what others say.

People are not infallible, so sometimes their words of criticism or remarks can be wrong and unfair. Your first reaction should not be to refute everything they said, but rather to see what part of the truth there may be in their words. It is rare that you cannot find at least some gold in even the biggest pile of trash.

6. Think about the church too.

When you are corrected, you are not the only one who benefits. Because you are part of the Body of Christ, your growth benefits all (1 Cor. 12). I can probably think of 10-15 points of criticism (correction) I have received over the years that have significantly changed the course of my life and ministry.

One incident I often recall occurred in my first year of ministry when a friend pointed out that I was constantly preaching about the cross but rarely mentioning the resurrection of Jesus. He advised me to bring Jesus out of the tomb in my sermons. I am glad he did, and I am grateful to the many others who love me enough to share their godly criticisms with me.

7. Do it for the glory of God.

The apostle Paul says, «Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God» (1 Cor. 10:31). This means that our goal in giving, receiving, and applying criticism should always be to help make God more visible in our lives and the lives of others. If the glory of God is our highest goal, it will protect our hearts in difficult and difficult conversations.

Creating a culture of discipline in the church

What we don’t want is a culture of critics who are constantly finding fault with each other. But what we do want to see is a church that deepens its love and care for one another to the point where it is willing to engage in deep, painful, grace-filled, wholesome, character-building conversations that will bring much glory to God.

1. Preach the Gospel.

The more often we preach and apply the Gospel to ourselves and others, the better prepared we will be to give and receive godly criticism.

2. Be an example.

Pastors and those who are spiritually mature are to be examples to those around them (1 Cor. 11:1). How do you open yourself up to criticism as an example to your flock? How do you offer and receive godly criticism in your meetings, family gatherings, conferences, or in mentoring relationships?

3. Cultivate this understanding.

Make giving and receiving godly criticism a normal part of your discipleship relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to criticize each other all the time, but it does mean that you want to give each other permission to freely express your thoughts in conversation with each other. I often tell people, «You have the right to point out to me at any time anything in my life that you think I need to hear.» I don’t say this to everyone, but those I teach know that they have free access to my heart and can ask any question. This has been an incredibly fruitful and liberating practice for me.

4. Organize this process.

Find ways to make giving and receiving feedback a regular part of your life. During our evenings, my wife and I sometimes ask, «What would you like me to stop doing? What would you like me to start doing? And what would you like me to continue doing?» Our meetings also include prayer, planning, and reviewing the services that took place the previous Sunday. This time of receiving feedback on my preaching has proven invaluable in my growth as a minister of God’s Word.

5. Guard yourself against cultivating a critical spirit.

If you are part of a church that gives and receives godly criticism, you will sometimes be tempted to develop a critical spirit. Every song, every prayer, every sermon, every conversation can be criticized. We must guard our hearts against this sinful quality. It is not Godly to be a critic, but it is Godly to help others through criticism. Understanding this difference is important in every person’s life.

6. At the same time, develop a culture of encouragement and encouragement.

A culture of encouragement is key to a healthy culture of criticism. I’m not sure what a healthy ratio is, but I hope that my wife, children, friends, and the people we minister to hear from me 5-10 times more encouragement and encouragement than criticism. If the encouragement is intentional, consistent, and honest, then criticism will serve as a polishing wheel for each other’s hearts. If not, it will turn into a flamethrower.

7. Pray for it.

Pray that God would create a culture in your church that is willing to help one another grow. Pray that He would give you and others wisdom to encourage one another in godliness (Heb. 10:24-25). Pray that He would cultivate in your church a humility that rejoices when corrected according to God’s truth (Acts 17:11). And above all, pray that through speaking the truth in love, the church would be built up into a body that glorifies Jesus (Eph. 4:15).