Why Complementarity is Important for Discipleship

Complementarity is crucial to Christian discipleship because pastors and churches need to have different models of Christian maturity for men and women. It is easy to err on the side of either side, either by over-unifying our understanding of discipleship or by over-emphasizing the differences. However, to be faithful to Scripture in its entirety, a proper understanding of Christian maturity must show both the commonalities and the differences in the models of maturity for men and women.

For example, every Christian—both male and female—should live a life of repentance and faith. Every Christian should grow in the knowledge of God and in the likeness of Christ. Every Christian should be united in the community of believers. But if the teaching of Christian maturity is limited to such basic aspects in Sunday school, home Bible groups, and weekly sermons, it will implicitly suppress the differences that God intended for men and women, thereby distorting the understanding of «maturity.».

To help move discipleship in a complementary – and, in my opinion, biblical – direction, three important things are needed:

1. a theological vision of how a mature Christian man differs from a mature Christian woman;
2. examples of godly male and female lives in our churches;
3. pastoral strategies for moving the church in this direction.

I won't go into detail about these ideas now. I hope others will be inspired to do more in-depth work. But here are a few thoughts to help you get started.

Theological vision and differences between different spheres

It all starts with a complementary theological vision of discipleship.

In the context of marriage, here’s what my church ministers tell couples in premarital counseling: According to Genesis 1, both the man and the woman are to focus on bringing God’s dominion and dominion to the earth. However, according to Genesis 2, they have different ways of doing this. The man is Garden-oriented, and the woman is man-oriented and is his proper helpmate. She is to use her full potential of gifts and talents to assist in the work of his stewardship. He, in turn, is to use her gifts to the best of his ability, not to bury them in the ground like an unfaithful steward.

This is relatively easy to understand in a marriage where there is one man and one woman in an authoritatively structured relationship. But what does this mean for an unmarried woman in the church, who is not called to submit to every man as a wife does to her husband? What does this mean for a married woman at work? What does this mean for a married man in his relationships with other women at home, at church, at work, or in the public sphere?

These are the kinds of questions that a mature Christian man helps a young Christian man answer, and a mature Christian woman helps a young Christian woman answer. These are the kinds of questions that can be addressed in Sunday school, small groups, or Bible studies at church.

To expand the «theological vision» of masculinity and femininity, we need to consider how Genesis 2 can be related to other scriptures and the specificities of such areas as the household, work, church, and public space. Then we must help our brothers and sisters in faith to live masculine and feminine Christian lives in these different areas—not just a general Christian life.

Example of one area: Local church

In the local church, for example, masculinity (manliness) seems to be associated with teaching the Word. Every Christian man should be trained to take a special interest in studying the Word and contributing to its ministry. Not every man has the gift of teaching in the church, but every man should prepare to teach the Word somewhere (for example, in the home). And every man has a gift, such as the gift of leadership or the gift of relationship building, that he can use to support and expand the ministry of the Word in the church.

Instead of a church filled with passive men who quickly send their families to their cars after the service, imagine a church where men actively contribute to the ministry of the Word. Imagine men doing this in the pulpit, in the music ministry, in the children’s ministry, in the after-service activities, in the outreach work, in caring for those outside the church. I can safely say that such a church would be a place where it would be easier for a godly woman to be a godly woman.

In other words, women often have to take the initiative and lead in churches because men don’t. But to the extent that men work hard in the church garden, sowing seeds and tilling the soil, Christian women have a good job helping those men. They do this by following the leadership of worthy men, spreading the work of the Word in areas where men may have a harder time treading, such as in the lives of children or younger women.

Notice that I gave an example of how biblical masculinity and femininity look different in one area—the local church. So, training young believers to interact with the local church should not be unisex (the same for both men and women). Yes, there are common points: everyone should be interested in promoting and spreading the ministry of the Word. But there are also differences: men should learn to take initiative and lead, while women should learn to facilitate, encourage, and help.

In every area—I think it’s a generalization—women are better able to strive for godly femininity when they are surrounded by men who strive for godly masculinity. When this doesn’t happen, men often have only themselves to blame.

Pastoral strategy

Moving from a theological vision to a pastoral strategy for discipleship, church leaders should teach these different models of maturity in children’s and youth programs, in men’s and women’s ministries, and in regular pulpit ministry. Teaching occurs in different aspects of church life, and it is worth reviewing them one by one. Is the teaching in each of these areas uniformly unisex (the same for both men and women), or is the biblical differences (complementarity) between men and women encouraged?

In addition to teaching, church leaders should promote good examples of biblical masculinity and femininity among the congregation. What men are recognized as ministers? What women are publicly mentioned in pastoral prayers? What men and women are held up as role models for the youth?

Too often, the debate about complementarity gets stuck on boundaries. For example, people get stuck on how and whether it’s appropriate for adult women to teach high school boys. Where’s the line, they ask. But focusing on the boundaries of what’s permissible is a bit like a couple dating and asking, «What are we allowed to do? Hold hands? Kiss?»

There is a place for such questions, but first and foremost a positive statement needs to be made about how to promote biblical masculinity and femininity among young men and women. A couple, instead of asking, «How far can we go?» should ask, «How can we best serve each other and best prepare each other for marriage?» Similarly, in the church, we should ask, «How can we best help these high school girls become mature women and these high school boys become mature men?»

So let’s try again: Is it appropriate for adult women to teach high school boys in church? Well, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure if it’s allowed or not, but I do know that I want these high school boys to understand what it means for men to take the lead in church. And I want these high school girls to understand what it means to love, affirm, and support male leadership in church. So I’m going to be very careful about what model I’m going to set for them. In most cases, I’m going to allow and encourage adult men who love the Bible and take the lead to teach the entire group, and the mature women are going to support and assist in that ministry.

Complementarism and the Purpose of Discipleship

In general, complementarity is important for Christian discipleship because it gives discipleship purpose. As a man, I want to help the other men I spend time with understand what it means to be a leader and an initiator, to have courage, to be a defender, to sacrifice for those who are weaker than you, and so on. My wife, in turn, wants to help the women she spend time with understand what it means to be a supporter, a helper, a facilitator (a person who helps a group of people work together more effectively), a counselor, a supporter, sometimes a mentor, and so on.

I want to help men understand how to do this in church, at home, and in other places where it is appropriate. She wants to help women understand how to do this in church, at home, and in other places where it is appropriate.

The more difficult questions arise later: What does biblical masculinity and femininity look like in many other areas of life? And what are we doing to promote these models through discipleship?

Complementarism and the Gospel

Is it really that important to emphasize these differences? Yes. God built these differences into creation back in Genesis 2. Why? So that all creation would bear the image of the Gospel, which Paul later describes and shows in the love of men and women for one another (Eph. 5). When the church upholds models of biblical masculinity and femininity, it makes the Gospel easier to understand.

Without such models, the Gospel is simply harder to explain, almost like a Bible translator who wants to describe Jesus as the «Lamb» of God in a jungle culture where lambs or sacrifices have never been heard of. Is it any wonder that the devil, who hates the Gospel, also seeks to make men and women the same, thereby blurring one of the images for the Gospel to portray?

It is possible to maintain faith in the Gospel without having a complementary understanding of discipleship, but your understanding of discipleship will work against that faith, not for its benefit.

Editor's Note: A version of this article was originally published in the July-August 2010 issue of Pastoring Women.