Parents, demand obedience from your children

The purpose of this text is to call on Christian parents to demand obedience from their children. The reason for writing it was to observe children who ignore their parents' requests and face no consequences. Parents turn to the child several times with a request to sit down, stop, or perform a certain action, but after several unsuccessful attempts, they jokingly try to bribe the child. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Last week, I witnessed two events that made me think about this question. The first was the tragic death of 13-year-old Andy Lopez in Santa Rosa, California. Police mistakenly believed the boy was about to shoot with an automatic rifle that turned out to be a toy. According to police, they twice ordered him to drop the weapon, but Andy turned to them instead. The officers then opened fire.

I don’t have all the details of this tragedy, so I can’t say whether the boy heard the order. My point is not specific to Lopez. But it raises an important question: what if Andy had heard the police and deliberately ignored their order? If so, then such disobedience cost him his life. The price of disobeying the order of a legitimate authority was too high.

The impending tragedy

Another incident I witnessed last week took place on a plane. I saw a mother put her son in danger. They were sitting in front of me, and her son looked to be about seven years old. The boy was playing on a digital tablet when the flight attendant announced that all electronic devices must be turned off during takeoff. The boy ignored the message, and his mother did not force him to comply.

As the flight attendant passed by, she indicated to the mother that the device needed to be turned off. However, the mother did not insist, and the boy continued playing.

«"I write this to urge Christian parents to demand obedience from their children.".

The flight attendant stopped again, reminding him that the tablet had to be turned off, and only then did the boy turn off the device. However, when the flight attendant returned to his seat, the child turned the tablet back on, and his mother did not intervene in any way.

This situation made me wonder: isn't the mother preparing her child for future problems?

Rescue, smart parenting

Disobedience on the part of children and indifference on the part of parents who lack spiritual guidance can be understood through certain biblical categories. However, when this is observed among Christian parents, it is surprising.

Why some parents don't demand obedience? It's hard to give a definitive answer to this question. However, the following nine observations can help some parents avoid dangerous and irresponsible parenting.

1. The requirement of obedience from children is an integral part of biblical instruction. Children’s obedience to their parents is not just a recommendation, but a biblical commandment that has a deep spiritual meaning. As it is said: «Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right» (Eph. 6:1). God’s commandment regarding obedience cannot be one-sided. If God requires obedience from children, then naturally He also expects parents to cultivate this obedience. Our task as parents is to teach children to understand the importance of obedience and to feel the joy of obeying the authority that God has established in their lives. Parents represent God to young children, therefore, by neglecting to teach obedience, we are actually teaching them to ignore God’s instructions. This is dangerous not only from the point of view of moral development, but also from the spiritual life.
2. Obedience as a New Testament, evangelical category. Obedience is not just a formal, «legal» category. In the New Testament, it is considered a component of faith. The apostle Paul emphasized this in his ministry, saying that his goal was «that for his name all nations might become obedient to faith» (Rom. 1:5). He also emphasized: «For I will not dare to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me to bring about the conversion of the Gentiles, by word and deed» (Rom. 15:18). This means that true Christian life involves obedience to Christ in every aspect, even in thought: «We bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ» (2 Cor. 10:5). The apostle also called on the churches to be firm in demanding obedience: «If anyone does not obey our word in our epistle, note that person [and] have no company with him; let him be ashamed» (2 Thess. 3:14).
   

   «"I can understand the laziness of unbelieving parents. But the negligence of Christian parents amazes me.".

   The neglect of parents who fail to teach their children obedience is preparing them for a life that is not in accordance with God’s instructions. Such children risk growing up without understanding the fundamental principles of the Gospel that their parents may be trying to impart.

   For those who want to explore the importance of this issue in more depth, I recommend Wayne Grudem’s chapter «Pleasing God Through Our Obedience: Forgotten Teachings of the New Testament» in For the Glory of God’s Name, edited by Justin Taylor and Sam Storms.

3. It is possible to demand obedience from children. Parents often seem helpless in the face of their disobedient children. But if God requires obedience from children, then parents have the power to demand it too. Even very young children, not even a year old, can be taught what not to do—not to touch dangerous things, not to bite, not to pull, not to shout, etc. Parents are bigger and stronger than their children, and they should use this advantage to protect them from harmful manifestations of selfishness and to teach them the joy of doing the right thing.
4. Demand obedience at home to ensure it in public situations. Often, children misbehave in public because they haven’t been taught to be obedient at home. Parents may feel that certain situations at home aren’t worth the effort, and that it’s easier to do something on their own than to make an effort to correct their child. But this behavior only teaches children that obedience doesn’t matter anywhere. Consistently insisting on obedience at home will help your children be more well-behaved in public.
5. Demanding obedience takes effort, but it is worth it. When a child doesn’t follow your instructions, such as staying in bed, it seems easier to just say, «Go back to bed,» rather than actively intervene. Parental fatigue is a real problem. I understand this, having raised children from birth to adulthood for over 40 years. Insisting on obedience takes not only physical strength, but also emotional strength. It seems easier to let your child go his own way.
   

   «"Parents who do not teach their children to obey are preparing them for a life that is not in line with God's word.".

   The result is uncontrollable children, especially in important situations. They quickly learn to manipulate circumstances. The mother becomes powerless, and the father is someone to blame. Children can predict when you are about to explode and willfully ignore your instructions until the last moment. This leads to «sour» fruit in the relationship between parents and children.

   However, working to respond immediately to every act of disobedience bears «sweet» fruits. This is beneficial not only for parents and children, but also for those around them.

6. The rupture of multigenerational dysfunction. Some parents do not demand obedience because they did not have such an example themselves. They grew up in an environment where parents vacillated between passivity and anger. They do not want to raise their children in anger, but they do not know how to act, so they often choose passivity. The good news is that this can be changed. With the help of the Bible and wise advice, you can learn to raise children with patience, love, and confidence, guided by gospel principles.
7. Compassionate parenting leads to inner obedience. Before children come to faith, they must learn to obey out of respect, fear, or reward. When faith comes, their previous experience of obedience will become the basis for the joy of voluntary submission. The absence of a requirement for obedience before faith comes is not a wise decision. Such a lack creates a reluctance to obey that is later difficult to overcome even when faith comes.
8. Children who are taught obedience are happier. Soft parenting, which does not require obedience, does not form happy and well-mannered children. It creates capricious and defiant children who bring no joy to themselves or to those around them. The lack of discipline makes them victims of their own desires. Such "freedom" without a rudder, without any instructions, will sooner or later lead to difficulties or even dangerous consequences, as happened in cases where children got into fatal conflicts with authority.
9. Demanding obedience does not mean demanding perfection. Parents represent God to their children, especially until the time when children can know Him through faith in the Gospel. In this process, it is important to show not only justice, but also mercy. Not every case of disobedience should be punished. Sometimes it is enough to notice, point out the error and not apply punishment. But finding the balance between justice and mercy is not easy, and there is no universal guide for this. Education should teach children that the God of the Gospel is both just and merciful: «God is a consuming fire» (Hebrews 12:7, 29), and at the same time «patient and slow to anger» (1 Timothy 1:16). Parental education should combine discipline and patience with the aim of achieving prompt, joyful and complete obedience. This is what knowledge of God through Jesus Christ brings.

Parents, you can do it! Although raising children is a difficult and exhausting process, there is God’s grace for it. Your efforts will not be in vain, and you will be richly rewarded for your patience and perseverance.