What to say to church members who leave for bad reasons

Let's be honest: There are better and worse reasons to leave a church. Are you moving to a different city? That's a good reason. Are you holding a grudge against someone who hurt you? That's a bad reason. Doesn't the church preach biblical sermons every week? That's a good reason. Don't you like the style of the church? That's probably a bad reason.

The question is, how do you respond to a church member who leaves for a reason that doesn't seem quite right?

The question raises a number of difficult theological issues, such as: to what extent does the church have authority, or how much attention should be paid to cultural preferences? There are also difficult pastoral issues, such as how to distinguish between a bruised reed and a fool.

But let me try to package some of these theological questions into practical advice. Here are some bad ways to respond to such a situation, as well as better options:

Bad answer: "Oh..."«

This is irresponsibility. It is the response of «I don’t care» or «I need your approval, so I won’t say anything.» I’m not saying that it’s not always right to remain silent. I’m just saying that fear of people or an inability to love shouldn’t be the motives that drive you to remain silent.

The best answer is: "Why are you leaving? Can I help you figure it out?"«

Love is curious and asks questions. Love recognizes that we are responsible for the discipleship of our brothers and sisters and tries to find out. Love is not afraid that someone will not love you for it. It is willing to ask uncomfortable questions or give risky advice for the good of another.

Bad answer: "You don't have the right to leave.".

Jesus did not give the church the authority to keep people from leaving a church and joining another. He did give the church the authority to discipline a member for unrepentant sin, but until you are ready to discipline, your church has no right to insist that the person stay. That being said, I believe there are times when it is okay to say no to leaving a church if the person has no intention of joining another church. This is the case when it comes to unrepentant sin.

The best answer is: "If the church doesn't move to discipline, you're free to leave.".

You don't have to tell someone who's leaving for bad reasons that they're doing the right thing. But I think we have to remember that it's allowed.

Bad answer: "Your reasons for leaving are immaturity.".

Again, I'm not saying you can never say this. But in general, it's better to help a person understand what's important to value in church than to scold them for having the wrong values.

The best answer is: «How did you, by turning to God’s Word, come to understand what to look for or what to pay attention to in church?»

Help them understand that God prioritizes things like preaching the Word, focusing on the Gospel of Christ, and wise and loving leadership. Also help them understand that our church is a family where we are responsible for mentoring each other in Christ. It is not a club of interests where we come and go for the sake of profit.

Bad answer: "Well, you can't be everyone's friend.".

If you find out that they have relationship problems or hold grudges, you don't want to help cover it up. These are important issues. They need to be addressed. This doesn't mean that every broken relationship can be fixed in this lifetime. A person may wisely determine that certain relationships cannot be fixed. Still, they shouldn't run away from problems.

The best answer is: "I strongly recommend that you try to mend (reconcile) this relationship before deciding whether to leave the church.".

Bad answer: "What can we change about the church for you?"«

Sometimes people just don’t like your church. Sometimes they will be offended or irritated over little things. And it’s not always the job of the church or the pastor to address every complaint. Our primary goal is not to be everyone’s favorite. That’s not how biblical leadership works. At some point, a pastor needs to realize that it’s okay for people to leave and not be afraid of it. If he feels personally threatened every time someone wants to leave, he needs to be willing to examine and examine his own heart.

The best answer is: "Maybe another church would be a better place for your spiritual growth.".

And it really can be! Thank God there are more churches in our city than just ours! If people are leaving for immature reasons, you can encourage them to reconsider their decision; but you can also assure them of your love, tell them they can always come back, and bless them on their way.