Twelve tips for parents in the digital age

Who are iGen?

Children ages 6 to 23 belong to a generation now often referred to as post-millennials, Generation Z, or iGen. I want to introduce you to research on this generation and discuss the implications for pastors, leaders, and parents: How can we responsibly raise teens in the digital age?

To be honest, I don't know which sin is worse: the arrogance of generalizing across a generation, or the audacity of ignoring obvious trends in the data. With God's help, we can avoid both mistakes.

iGen is a recently coined term for those born between 1995 and 2012. That’s 74 million Americans, or 24% of the population, and the most diverse generation in U.S. history. It’s also the most digitally connected and smartphone-dependent generation. iGens were born after the internet became popular in 1995. They have no memory of a time before the internet. Each of them entered (or will enter) adolescence in the era of smartphones. As parents, we face many challenges in raising these teens in the digital age.

Trends among teenagers

Jean Twenge, a psychologist at San Diego State University, has conducted the most systematic study of the iGen generation. She analyzed large amounts of data, conducted interviews, and voiced her concerns—first published in a high-profile article for the journal Atlantic under the sensational title: "Did Smartphones Destroy an Entire Generation?" This article was an excerpt from a book that was soon to be published under the title: "«iGen: Why today's children, who spend a lot of time with gadgets, grow up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy - and completely unprepared for adulthood».

If in the movie "Big" Tom Hanks personified a generation of children who eagerly sought adulthood, then iGen is the complete opposite: a generation of children who are able to postpone all transitions to adulthood.

Twenge’s research summarizes the following observations: iGen is safety-conscious. They are the first generation to have received regular training in what to do during an active school shooting since kindergarten. They are the most protected generation by their parents. They are the most introverted generation of teens by their preferences. All of this suggests that iGen teens are more likely to be homebound. Compared to previous generations, iGen teens statistically less likely attending parties, going on dates, getting a driver's license, drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco, riding in a car without a seat belt, or experimenting with sex.

Many of these trends are positive, and we should be happy that young people are turning away from unwise behavior. But, as Twenge notes, taken together, these trends paint a portrait of a generation with delayed adulthood and a protracted adolescence.

Five characteristics of the iGen generation

In addition to delayed adulthood and prolonged adolescence, the iGen generation has several other defining traits:

1. They grew up with smartphones.

According to one study, the average age at which children in the United States get their first smartphone is now 10. Many of these phones are passed down from parents, but among teens ages 12 to 17, nearly 80% identify as smartphone users.

2. They are always online.

The iGen generation spends less time working, volunteering, participating in school activities, and completing homework. As a result, they spend an enormous amount of time at home and online. They are almost never offline (disconnected from the internet) — their devices become the center of social interactions, friendships, and relationships.

3. They are becoming more secularized.

Among iGens, about one in four do not attend religious services or practice any form of personal spirituality. «iGens are more likely than previous generations to be raised by parents who have no religious affiliation» (Twenge, 121). Of course, there are many believers among them, but one in four of this generation is completely secularized (non-religious).

4. They perceive each other through disparate fragments.

Using a skill that Clive Thompson calls «ambient awareness,» teens are able to take disparate pieces of social media—individual images, texts, tweets—and put those pieces together to better understand each other (from the book Smarter Than You Think, pp. 209–244). Personally, it seems strange to me to connect someone's online life with their reality when I meet that person in person. For teenagers, it's more natural. Even though they're separated, they connect through screens through this ambient awareness. They learn about each other in the digital space, piecing together this information from fragments.

5. They are socially conscious.

Twenge argues that millennials (the generation born roughly between 1981 and 1996) are inherently optimistic. The iGen generation, who grew up during the Great Recession, are more pessimistic, more sensitive to social tensions, and more eager to protect those they perceive as vulnerable. As we have seen, they are able to act on this awareness, as evidenced by events such as the Parkland rally, the March for Our Lives, the National School Day Against Gun Violence, and the #NeverAgain movement. iGens may be homebodies, but they are also mobilizing (of course, there is a problem with this, since teenagers can be used to advance adult political agendas, as Alan Jacobs points out in his article «Modern Children’s Crusades»). However, the iGen generation is socially conscious, and this will play a major role in future elections as it shapes how pastors and parents will interact with this generation.

What challenges does iGen face?

The most disturbing finding from Twenge’s research, and one that has been confirmed by others, is the sharp rise in teen depression. In just three years, from 2012 to 2015, rates of depression among boys increased by 211% and among girls by 501%. These increases are also reflected in the rise in suicide rates. «After declining in the 1990s and stabilizing in the 2000s, teen suicide rates have risen again. In 2015, 461% more young people aged 15 to 19 committed suicide than in 2007, and two and a half times more children aged 12 to 14 committed suicide» (Twenge, 110).

«"Between 2012 and 2015, depression rates among boys increased by 211% and among girls by 501%.

These alarming figures indicate the serious challenges facing the current generation.

«This is the paradox of the iGen generation: their optimism and self-confidence online mask a deep vulnerability and sometimes depression in real life,» Twenge writes (102), adding that «it is no exaggeration to say that the iGen generation is on the verge of its worst mental health crisis in decades. Much of this deterioration can be attributed to their phones» (source).

Who are iGen? They are socially conscious. They have an ambient awareness. They seem confident online. They are never offline. Technology conveniently mediates their relationships. And at the same time, technology fuels their loneliness and toxic comparisons that rob life of meaning. Parents know most of this. They saw these problems long before books about iGen appeared.

Twelve tips for iGen parents

When we talk about teens and gadgets—or so-called «screen teens»—we need to focus on specific aspects. So let me offer twelve practical tips to add to the discussions you’re already having in your churches and homes.

1. Postpone using social media for as long as possible.

Social media creates a dilemma. Journalist Nancy Jo Sales has written a fascinating (and scary) book called American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers. She recounts a conversation with a teenager who said, «Social media is ruining our lives.» Then Sales asked her, «Why don’t you go offline?» The girl replied, «Because then we wouldn’t have a life.» (Sales, 18) Social media is where teenagers look for life, but it’s also where it’s costing them their lives. We need to help our children understand this paradox. Unwise use of social media can cost them something very valuable.

2. Postpone buying a smartphone for your child as long as possible.

Once you give your child a smartphone with access to the internet, messaging, and apps like Instagram or Snapchat, parental controls become almost ineffective. Here's an example of how this works in practice.

«"Social media is where teenagers look for life, and at the same time, what takes their life away. We need to help them see this paradox.".

Your kids can be the ones who engage in sexualized conversations and receive explicit selfies without you even knowing. In her book, Sayles explores the disturbing phenomenon of girls receiving unsolicited explicit selfies from boys via text, often as a first step to showing interest. Boys often ask girls to send explicit photos in return. It’s obvious that we should warn our kids about this phenomenon before it happens. But there are virtually no parental filters that can prevent them from receiving such photos via text or Snapchat, even if your child didn’t ask for them. 47% of teens use Snapchat, a popular app for sending and receiving temporary images and «one-time selfies.» In the age of smartphones, sexting has become a common part of teenage life. They’re incredibly powerful devices. Resist the pressure to give your child a smartphone. And don’t leave old phones unattended.

3. Take control of your Wi-Fi at home.

Our home defaults to Wi-Fi off when not needed. Many routers allow you to pause your home’s internet service. I was impressed by a device called «The Circle» that plugs into our router and lets you turn off Wi-Fi entirely or for a specific device, using content filters, ratings, time limits, and set bedtimes. It breaks the connection between the router and the device or computer. Instead of setting parental controls on each device, you can control the data flow to all devices at once. It’s a brilliant solution. In fact, I can pause the Wi-Fi in my home from my phone — our 2 smart TVs, 3 computers, iPod, and iPad — all disconnect from Wi-Fi with the touch of a button. When a child in our house wants to use the computer, they ask and explain why they need it. There's a lot more to say here, but this is a small way to help kids use technology with a clear purpose by not always having Wi-Fi on.

4. Communicate outside the home without smartphones.

For kids ages 6 to 12, consider something like the Verizon Gizmo watch. The Gizmo is a smartwatch with speakerphone functionality that allows you to make and receive calls only to a limited number of numbers designated by parents. It also has a built-in GPS tracker that lets parents track their child's location via an app on their phone.

Parents want phone technology to provide three things: (1) the ability to call their child at any time, (2) the ability for their child to call them at any time, and (3) the ability to know where their child is using GPS. You don’t need a smartphone to do this. Gizmo does all of these things and nothing else—which is a great solution. Ask your cell phone carrier about the latest options that meet these three criteria. And for kids ages 13 and up, consider buying a simpler phone. They’re inexpensive, and in many cases don’t have GPS, but ask about phones that have just the features you need. Be prepared for cell phone salespeople to look at you like you’re an alien. As my wife says, go into your cell phone carrier store and ask the salesperson for «the simplest phone they have.».

5. Introduce new technologies gradually over the years

The most common mistake parents make is to perceive a smartphone as an isolated gadget. But this is not so. A smartphone is the culmination of all communication technologies that a child is exposed to from birth. Giving a smartphone is a kind of «graduation» after several stages of gradual introduction of technologies that were planned in advance.

«"As soon as you give a child a smartphone with mobile internet, you go from strong parental control to almost no parental control at all.".

Here's how my wife and I outline these steps: First, you take control of your home Wi-Fi -- this is very important -- and then gradually introduce technology that your kids can only use at home. Draw a large square on a piece of paper. In the top left corner, write "0 years," and in the top right, write "18 years." From left to right, that's your child's first 18 years of technology. Now draw a staircase diagonally from bottom left to top right. Early on, you might introduce a tablet with games for coloring and learning. Maybe at 3. Or 5. Or 8. Whenever. One step up. Then you add a tablet with educational videos, maybe at 6. Another step up. At some point, you introduce a family computer in the living room for educational projects. Maybe at 10. Another step up. Then you add a phone like a Gizmo or a flip phone. Another step up. Then you allow them to use a computer to search for information on Google, maybe at 12. Another step up. At a certain point, you can allow them to use Facebook or messengers to communicate with a few selected friends via the computer. Another step up. And then the final step is the smartphone, the final step. Maybe at 15, 16 or 17, or, in my opinion, 18 is better. But the choice is yours.

This has two advantages:

(1) You can flexibly expand on these steps as needed, while also showing your child where a smartphone fits into the digital trajectory you’ve set for them. As they demonstrate responsibility and wisdom in using Wi-Fi at home, they’ll move on to using their mobile devices outside the home. This shows that being faithful in small things leads to being faithful in big things.

(2) It also reminds parents that once you give your child a smartphone with mobile internet, you go from strong parental control over their internet access to virtually no internet access at all. You can draw a clear black line between all the previous steps (Wi-Fi at home) and the smartphone (mobile internet everywhere). This is a kind of «graduation» — an important transition.

6. As a general rule for everyone: keep screen devices out of bedrooms.

Or at least limit their use to 12 hours, such as 8pm to 8am. Set a clear rule: no TVs, gaming devices, tablets, laptops or phones in the bedroom. Break free from endless social demands. Fight gaming addiction. Maintain a healthy sleep schedule. Make sure all devices are charged in the same place at night, not in the child’s room. A simple solution could be a charging station in mom and dad’s room.

7. Sign a contract for using a smartphone.

When you decide to give your child a smartphone, create a contract that outlines expected behavior, rules, time limits, and family requirements for using the phone. Ask your child to share their username and password. And find out how to temporarily suspend or deactivate the phone—most mobile carriers offer easy solutions for this. For those parents who mistakenly gave the phone too early, it's never too late—you can still sign a phone contract.

8. Observe how each child responds to the digital age.

This is incredibly exciting to me. My wife and I have three iGen children, two of whom are teenagers, and each of them uses digital media in a completely different way. One of my children can watch every video on a YouTube channel without stopping. Dude Perfect 40 times and spend hours on it. Another child can buy a new musical instrument, watch 30 minutes of YouTube videos, and master the basic chords without a single paid lesson. She also learned to play the ukulele, then the keyboard, then the clarinet, and that led to formal lessons. I am fascinated by the power of YouTube to unlock new practical skills in my children. And frankly, I want my children to learn with YouTube as soon as possible, but only when they are ready.

«"Smartphones do not invent new sins, they only increase the influence of existing temptations.".

Every child reacts differently. Some teens want social media to follow 5,000 people. Others want social media to keep in touch with just 5 close friends. These are completely different approaches to use. Nurture each child individually, based on what you see in them. And when your children complain about injustice, remind them of the «steps» and explain why everyone in the house is at different stages of the same journey.

9. Focus parenting on affection.

Smartphones don't invent new sins; they simply amplify the existing temptations of life and embody those temptations in pixels on high-resolution screens. Old temptations take on new levels of appeal, addiction, and accessibility. This means that the tension and anxiety that parents feel in the digital age comes from the realization that we are waging a real war for the hearts and affections of our teenagers. That's what's so frightening. Parenting has always been a battle for our children's affections, but the digital age is more likely to expose our parental laziness.

If our teens are not finding their ultimate fulfillment in Christ, they will seek it in something else. This message has always been relevant, but it rings especially true today, because that «something else» is manifesting itself in smartphone addiction. We are not just playing with words or saying that Christ is supreme only on Sunday. We are pleading daily with the Holy Spirit to open the hearts of our teens. They must value Christ more than any of the trivialities of the digital age, or those trivialities will consume them. That is why raising children today feels so urgent.

10. Embrace digital discipleship.

It is not enough to take a few parables and scatter them as general seeds of wise counsel. Raising teenagers in the digital age requires that all of Scripture be planted and nurtured in the heart. This is because we are dealing with every aspect of what the heart desires. This battle for hearts in the digital age opens up unprecedented opportunities for teen discipleship if we can move from temptation to the biblical text and to Christ. That is our challenge.

The digital age has exposed our parental passivity. I won't focus on that, as my book (12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You) already looks at 12 ways phones are changing (and deforming) us, and shows how we can be reshaped through Scripture. When we as parents (and pastors) humbly acknowledge our own smartphone addiction, we can help our children. The digital age is scary and exhausting, but it also opens up phenomenal new opportunities for raising teens.

11. As a family, restore the value of shared dinners, trips, and vacations.

Make dinner parties, car rides, and family vacations phone-free zones. I’m constantly amazed at how often life’s problems are aired over dinner. The slow time together, when we unwind after a day, is so productive. What happened at school? Dinner is where I often learn the most about my kids. This connection takes on even greater depth during family vacations.

12. Continue to build the church.

The statistics show that the iGen generation is now the loneliest in America—even lonelier than people over the age of 72. Twenge believes that the loneliness of the iGen generation is caused by smartphones. However, it may be wiser to consider broader phenomena that predate the iPhone.

Surround yourself with enough technology and machines, and you won’t need anyone else. Get the right gadget, and you can do anything. Dozens of science fiction novels have already depicted a robot-infested planet, with its worst consequences being complete social isolation (for example, Isaac Asimov’s novel «Naked sun »). But when the technological age has made other people unnecessary to you, you will quickly find that you have become unnecessary to others as well.

«"The digital age is scary and exhausting, but it opens up phenomenal new opportunities for raising teenagers.".

When no one needs you, there are catastrophic spikes in social loneliness. iGen teenagers feel it. Older adults feel it. Middle-aged men feel it. And in this era of increasing isolation and loneliness, social media is «an ineffective, superficial, or temporary solution» (Kass, 95). The smartphone becomes a «painkiller»—promising to solve the problem of loneliness but only temporarily masking the pain.

The greatest need of our teens today is not new restrictions, «dumb» phones, contracts, or limits. Their greatest need is a community of faith where they can grow in Christ, serve, and be supported. They must find their rightful place as a full part of a healthy church. Continue to build faithful families and churches. Listen to teens. Don’t bully them. Don’t make fun of them. Inspire them to bold missions—both online and offline.